Grief & Loss
The feeling of grief is a powerful emotional and physical reaction to the loss of someone or something. On an emotional level it is characterised by deep feelings of sadness and sorrow, also numbness and emptiness, and a longing to be with that person again. On a physical level it can lead a poor appetite, struggling to sleep, a deep ache in the heart, tightness in the chest and throat, tearfulness, and even a feeling of abdominal sickness. These feelings and sensations can come in waves, and cause us to be tossed from one feeling/sensation to another. All these are a normal part of grieving.
Despite the pain, the process of grieving is an important part of coming to terms with loss.
The feeling of loss does not necessarily involve the death of a loved one; we can also experience a significant sense of grief when confronted with other losses such as: a relationship breakup, losing a job, being diagnosed with a life-changing illness.
Not all losses are the same and not all losses affect us in the same way. How we grieve is affected by the circumstances of the loss. These may include:
feeling.
returning to work sooner than we might like, can impact the grief experience significantly.
Despite the pain, the process of grieving is an important part of coming to terms with loss.
The feeling of loss does not necessarily involve the death of a loved one; we can also experience a significant sense of grief when confronted with other losses such as: a relationship breakup, losing a job, being diagnosed with a life-changing illness.
Not all losses are the same and not all losses affect us in the same way. How we grieve is affected by the circumstances of the loss. These may include:
- The manner of death and whether there was time to prepare
- The nature of the relationship with the person who died
- Other's actions
feeling.
- Other goings-on in our life
returning to work sooner than we might like, can impact the grief experience significantly.
The Stages of Grief
Dealing with grief and loss, people often progress through a series of stages in coming to terms with the finality of the loss. More than two decades ago, University of Chicago psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, identified five stages people go through when dealing with loss. These stages do not necessarily progress in the order listed. Instead, we tend to swing between some or all of these stages, going back and forth among them. Knowledge of these stages may help us to understand the dying person's reactions, as well as our own.
As these stages come and go, there is, for most people - irrespective of religious beliefs or absence of same - a search to fulfil a universal need: to find meaning in life.
- Shock and denial, finding it very difficult to believe that the loss is imminent. In this stage, we often tend to make statements, such as, "This is a mistake!" "It cannot be true!" Sometimes the denial is not of the illness, but of its lethality, e.g., "Maybe everybody else, but not me."
- Anger often sets in once we're past the shock and the denial. The anger may be specific or diffuse: anger at the medical profession for not being able to do something about the illness; anger at the person dying for not looking better after themselves, or directed at a family member being responsible for the situation, e.g., "It's all your fault for nagging me so much that I started to drink, and now look, I have liver cancer, and it's all your fault" ; anger towards the illness or the situation; and anger at life not being fair. Eventually coming to the point to realise that anger doesn't accomplish anything, the anger may fade.
- Bargaining often sets in, with the dying person making promises of being here for a special occasion, e.g., birth of a grandchild, birthday of a loved one, etc. An attempt is often made to strike a bargain with God who is thought to have ultimate control over life and death, e.g., "If You grant me my health, I promise I will change my life." Other times, it is a limited bargain: "Please just give me enough time to ..." Thus, in the bargaining stage, it often has to do with statements involving, "If ... then ..." trying to strike some agreement.
- Depression sets in when it becomes clear that bargaining will not change the inevitable. Two kinds of depression may be experienced. First, it involves the pain of what used to be, but will not be again. Secondly, it is about the things that never will be; the things that will happen without us, or the loved one dying.
- Acceptance is reached by the dying person at some time before death. For their family member and friends, however, they don't 'get over' grief - it doesn't 'go away'. Instead, as times go on, we learn to go on with life, with the grief remaining, but no longer dominating our life and so becoming more bearable. Thus our life 'grows around' our grief, and we continue to carry the grief with us.
- Anticipatory grief: The family of a terminally ill person often experiences anticipatory grief of the inevitable and impending loss. Anticipatory grief has many dimensions, including anger, guilt, anxiety, irritability, sadness, feelings of loss, and a decreased ability to perform usual tasks.
As these stages come and go, there is, for most people - irrespective of religious beliefs or absence of same - a search to fulfil a universal need: to find meaning in life.